WHAT IS THIS?

I have never felt as uncertain about something as I am of late.

News about an important matter arrived recently at my doorstep. It was good information. It brought a degree of certainty to a doubting heart.

Yet like the sun slowly fading out into the hills, I can not keep my hopes consistently up. Pessimistic thoughts linger and darken my vision. Products of excessive rationalization, I suppose.

I pray. But feel very distant. I need to reconnect my faith with the situation.

My heart screams “Yes!” but the current condition reveals NOTHING to be confident about.

I firmly want to believe. But doubt continues to frustrate me with imaginings. I want to feel deserving of the blessing. But even that desire evades me these days.

And so I humbly acknowledge that trust in the Almighty do, at times, dwindle when self-belief peters out.

Right now, I am praying for a positive revelation. I am praying for another dream coming true. Yet at the same time I am compelled to pray for strength to endure a possibly disappointing truth.

The next few weeks will unfold a new life for me. I will stand waiting…anticipating….

Fear, I feel. I do not want more disappointments. But deep inside, I know the worst can be bearable. I know myself too well. And I thank God for this gift.

"Turning Japanese" ten years ago

[warning: this is not about The Vapors' popular song]

I set foot on Narita Airport ten years ago today (October 30, 1998).

I was then 24 and considered myself fortunate to have obtained an all-expense paid chance to travel abroad. It was my first time to go out of the country and though it was a brief stay and work-related, it was nonetheless one memorable experience.

My first four days were spent in Tsukuba Science City (Ibaraki, Japan) where I attended the 2^nd International Network on Feminist Approaches to Bioethics at the University of Tsukuba. From there, I headed on to Tokyo as a participant to the 4^th World Congress of Bioethics held at Nihon University.

That 9-day trip to Japan was a treat! I saw a different earth in that part of the equator. The language, culture and its people were incredibly fascinating. Nihonggo was difficult to understand yet the culture conveyed a great deal about the land and its people. Green tea, sake, tatami mats, artfully served Japanese cuisines, communal baths (that culture-shocked me!), Shinto temples, the world-renowned Imperial Palace, genuine Japanese kois and the Ainus—all these fed my senses like no other! It was undeniably one unique immersion.

While I was there, I also obtained an awesome crash course in high-tech living. Autoflushing toilets; cable cars; flashy fashion trends; humungous, colorful digital advertisements appearing on buildings; huge freeways; machine-generated fare receipts from taxi cabs with automatic doors; mountain trains; skyscrapers; state-of-the-art buildings; subways and the Shinkansen. All these educated me greatly on the enormous gap separating 3^rd world reality from a highly-industrialized existence. I was swept away.

My comprehension and wits were certainly overwhelmed by the brief encounter I had with the country. I remember arriving there lost in translation—only the use of chopsticks felt right amidst Japanese skies. But now, oddly, I feel nostalgic… vividly recalling how in that country I have quietly experienced cloud nine on board one of its bullet train.

If an opportunity comes again, I will definitely go back. Fujiyama still awaits for my return… reminiscing how (regretfully) it hid itself from eyesight that foggy autumn morning I took the Hakone Tour with colleagues.

SPAGHETTI & KIDS

What is it really about spaghetti that many kids are crazy about?

I. Appearance & color

Ellie Krieger, nutritionist and Healthy Appetite TV show host, once said that “we eat with our eyes.” I think this is true especially among children.

I believe the worm-like appearance of spaghetti noodles is one big appealing factor. Such can definitely intrigue curious little minds. Children love to invent. Their imagination is quite immense and the idea of “worm-eating” just so much charms them. To adults, the whole concept may be disgusting BUT not to kids with wild imagination. The entire experience of eating “wormy” spaghetti stirs and delights not only their taste buds but their minds as well.

Another thing that makes spaghetti tempting to little boys and girls is its attractive color ranging from light orange to extremely deep red-orange tones. Scientifically, it has been discovered that orange or any variations of it subliminally suggests “hunger.” This hints then that the orangy color of the sauce-coated spaghetti noodles stimulates craving for food. By mere sight of the scrumptious attractive noodles, kids become absolutely, in due time, famished.

II. Odd but fun

Kids are always fascinated by things new and unfamiliar—“odd” flavors included. The creamy, salty taste of cheese on spaghetti blends well with the meat and/or hotdogs that are usually mixed with the sauce. This strange yet tasty combination can actually entertain any child’s mouth.

The spaghetti sauce is in itself a taste to reckon with! The combination of flavors can surely challenge the taste of even the most picky of eaters. The tinge of chili spice perfectly jazzes up with the contrasting sweet and sour taste of the sauce. In its entirety, eating spaghetti becomes, to the child, a delightful, aromatic and tasty experience of the senses.

Apart from the above, I think to kids, eating spaghetti is fun. As it is normally eaten using fork, the experience is all-together an engaging activity. Children are always ready to take on new challenges including the motor skill test of curling spaghetti noodles up their forks. As they attempt and struggle to get a mouthful of spaghetti into their hungry stomachs, fun and learning occurs. It is definitely entertaining to spin the noodles up and observe how the strands go around in ringlets eventually wrapping up the fork. In the process, kids realize that the smooth and slippery texture of the noodles makes it difficult to roll up.

Dealing with the noodles not only stimulates children to think of more innovative ways to handle and use fork. The situation also encourages many to freely react to this learning process by instinct. They may resort to eating spaghetti using bare hands instead. Eventually, they will find out that the long thread-like noodles can be conveniently picked up by hands. Children will also realize in due course that tilting their heads up will make eating up and nibbling down the string-like food easy and fun. Of course, this is something that adults will find messy. However for the kids, that is where the ultimate fun is—to be grubby and messy! By this, eating spaghetti then becomes entertaining as well as educating.

III. How I prepare it

Spaghetti is easy and quick to make. There are many ways to prepare it but below is my own version.

One just needs to have the spaghetti noodles boiled until tender in a large pan with water that has been seasoned with oil and salt. My sauce is actually just a blend of any spaghetti sauce available in the market. Though there are many variations in the ingredients, cooking it basically just entail sautéing the onions and garlic along with the ground meat (lean beef or pork) and/or hotdog. When the meat is well-cooked, pour in the ready-made spaghetti sauce. Put in the right amount of cheese, butter and milk. Do not forget to season it with black pepper for a wonderful chili taste. Once these are all thoroughly mixed under medium heat, put off the stove. Combine the cooked noodles with the sauce. Put it in a big container and garnish it with generous amount of cheese. The result is... tan-ta-ta-tan-ta-tannnnn...

My LTO Experience

Recently I had my driver’s license renewed. As renewal schedule for driver’s licenses was mandated by law to be on or before one’s birthday, I began to work out the other requirements ahead of schedule to avoid processing lags and penalties. I underwent drug testing at an earlier date.

On the day I set to deal with the rest of the renewal requirements, I failed to be early as originally planned. Domestic responsibilities have unfortunately delayed me. Nevertheless, my concern was at once addressed upon arrival at the Land Transportation Office (LTO) of General Santos City.

With the LTO personnel easily recognizable from the crowd, it was effortless for me to identify who to appropriately approach for assistance. Apart from this, the LTO complex was surprisingly quiet. There were many people but there were definitely no ear-splitting call outs. In addition, there were amazingly no lengthy queues (and to think it was already 10 a.m. when I got there!). The atmosphere was relaxed. It was undeniably, a “remarkable change” that welcomed me to the LTO compound that day.

I got my new Driver’s License ID card without sweat. My renewal application was done hassle-free in two hours--a lot quicker than the last time which took me the entire day to wait!

Certainly, the LTO people have somehow found a better way to deal with the daily influx of clientele. I did not have the same stressful and tedious experience as before. The long queues were gone. The office atmosphere was no longer uptight. Office personnel no longer yelled out names and strained their voices as microphones were now being utilized. The clients were quite comfortable in the lounge area. The agitation I used to sense as people waited for their names to be mentioned was absent. That day assurance was much felt by the people—they felt their needs were being processed accordingly.

I would therefore, like to call on those who have shunned the grueling experience of Driver’s License processing/renewal to visit the LTO in the city of General Santos and delightfully experience first-hand the improvement and efficiency of its service delivery.

The following requirements are needed for Non-Professional Driver’s License Renewal:

1. Drug Test Result from any LTO-recognized laboratory
2. Medical Examination Result from a LTO-accredited clinic
3. Old plastic Driver’s License ID card
4. P250.00 renewal fee

My next renewal will be on 2011. I hope to see more developments by then. Meantime, I want to congratulate all employees of LTO General Santos City for a job well done!

Unsa?!!! No More Bariles?!!!

Last October 5, 2008 (Sunday), as a weekly routine, I left for the market with my husband at around 6 a.m.. We always buy fish and vegetables for consumption at the City Public Market. This is because we believe it is where the freshest of fishes are found and also because we think it is still the best source of affordable garden-fresh vegetables.

We were, however, unprepared with what we were faced with when we got there. To our utter surprise, we could not find any fresh small tuna fish colloquially known as “barilison”! There were several vendors selling bariles (huge tuna) but were ignored by consumers because the dried-up fish meat displayed nothing else but total staleness.

There was an assortment of milkfish (bangus), tilapia and squid to choose from. But since my husband and I weren’t fond of these available choices, we roved around the fish section several times to ensure we did not miss out any vendor. We failed in our quest for the famous (and our favorite) barilison.

We did get fortunate though to find a small heap of fresh matang-baka/tulay being sold by one vendor. People instantly crowded over to buy and I found myself embroiled in a buying frenzy of some sort. I clearly remember (quite shamefully now) how I ghastly competed with fellow consumers for my own share of the rare matang-baka supply that was available that day! My performance was poor. I was only able to secure 1 kilo of it, can you believe that!

In dismay, I blurted out the following remarks: Is General Santos City still the Tuna Capital of the Philippines? What did we celebrate our recent 10th Tuna Festival for? Was it to rejoice on the dwindling tuna supply? Are there answers to these? Or should we just go find and ask Nemo?…

That day we had fried tulay on our table to go with the sautéed vegetable for lunch.

Up to this minute I can not think past the experience I had in the City Public Market. I can not help but brood over the lack of fresh bariles and barilison for local consumption that particular Sunday. I sure want to remain positive about the situation and think of it as just weather-related and temporary. I refuse to think beyond.

THE CHALLENGE

I have several questions. I do not wish to gain enemies for posting all of these here. Neither do I expect answers from you. I just want you to reflect on all of these and learn more about yourself in the process.

Since you have gained the power to decide for yourself, have you already stood up for something you deeply believed in? Have you fought for it or at least tried to? Have you ever tested your capacity to live beyond your expectations? Have you conquered or tried out something fearful? Have you defied self-control? Have you ever chose uncertainty over comfort?

I do not know about you but I am sharing now that to a certain degree, I have done all of the above and I call it “taking the road less traveled.”

I am expressing this not to brag about myself and my “capacity” as an individual. What I do want to do is tell you how I have generally fared in such situations.

It is true I have fought for my principles and have done so repeatedly. The first time was quite scary but because I was rooting for the truth, I was strengthened by it. Many times have I spoken about what I believed in and the humbling truth about the effort was that each time I did, I always ended up alone in advocacy.

It is true I sometimes win. But usually I lose. Not because I am wrong in principles but because I am alone in the struggle.

This is the sad reality.

I have learned that in this life, there are more drifters than fighters. Many choose to just go with the tide because they are too scared to articulate their thoughts. They only whine about their predicament among themselves but do not have the fortitude to express everything in candor. I am not stating this to encourage you to be constantly at the other side of the fence and play devil’s advocate in any given situation. This is just being articulated so in time, you will consider speaking up for what you believe in as an individual.

When you have no courage to unleash the worst in you and fight for your views and beliefs, then you have yet to prove yourself worthy of ever existing. Why? Because I think living is when you have survived going against the current. It is about YOU making choices and taking sides--no matter what the odds are.

Indeed, you can not eternally remain impartial because life is never neutral. Time will come when your determination and judgment will be tested and I only hope by then, you will learn to simply answer either "Yes" or "No" to a situation and gain respect in the process. This is the challenge.

AIRPORTS

AIRPORTS mean only two things for me. Hellos and goodbyes. As each flight arrives and departs, ecstatic reunions and tragic partings simultaneously happen.

About a year ago, I witnessed one of the saddest family scenarios at the airport. A woman in her late 30s was leaving behind a husband and a daughter who was about 3 years old. It was a moving sight to behold. When both father and child eventually failed to contain their tears and just decided to cry openly at the departure area, it was heartbreaking. In fact, I remembered joining in their sorrow as a silent bystander discreetly wiping away my own tears. I did not know the real reason behind the family’s parting nor did I personally know the members yet up to this day, the poignancy of the whole scene still haunts me on occasion.

It feels strange now though that at the very same airport where I have chanced upon an emotional ending, I have also in so many instances eagerly waited for loved ones. They are usually only away for the weekend but the temporary separation still means their absence in my life. Thus every time I see their familiar figures emerging from the plane, I never forget to say a silent prayer of thanks to God for another generous opportunity to savor a happy reunion instead of a heartrending farewell.

Indeed, even if the deafening roars of plane engines obscure the array of emotions being triggered by flight arrivals and departures, the truth about airports for me still stands. Whether it is the smallest airport or the busiest of the international ones, I will not contest a declaration of the place as an estuary of emotions for it certainly is a place where contrasting feelings of delight and distress meet and merge.

Varicella or Apok?

At age 33, acquiring varicella (chicken pox) was complete torment. I had to be in isolation and believe me, it was the most excruciating experience I have ever had! Reading which I love to do, could not even keep me company at that time! Had it not been for my precious keyboard and my penchant for cross-stitching, I would have gone crazy! I remembered constantly hearing my daughter’s tiny voice melodiously conversing with other family members. The longing most especially for the presence of my little angel was torture.

My case began with one mid-sized blister-like inflammation appearing on my right shoulder. It then quickly proliferated like mushroom ruining whatever innate physical asset I have acquired from my parents.

According to my mother, I have had varicella as a child in consonance with the rest of my older siblings but only few blisters have appeared on me. Many believe that chicken pox occurs only once in a lifetime but in rare cases, according to our family doctor, recurrence happens. I have done my research on this matter and have found numerous medical sources confirming the claim.

My situation worsened on the second week of illness when I acquired cough so I ended up getting confined in the hospital for fear of severe health complications. The medical diagnosis was clear. I had varicella r/o pneumonia.

However, when older generations interfered and had me looked up by a “quack doctor”, the findings completely defied whatever existing medical research available on varicella. I had what quack medicine locally classifies as “apok.” This happens when humans get accidentally smacked by invisible entities as they play. It is weird explanation and certainly unacceptable to those whose perspectives are medically partial. Consequently, apart from maintaining the medicines I got during hospital confinement, I also underwent “quack” therapy. I could not argue with the old folks about the latter so ceremonies had to be performed for my swift recovery.

Personally, I have always had reservations about quackery. However, during confinement I did recall the attending physician marveling about why my face was all swollen up when all lab tests showed figures within normal range. Hmmm… what do you think?

Anyway, whether what I had was varicella or apok, whether it was the IV medicines or the quack ceremony that healed me no longer matters. I am well now and that is what is important. Praise God!

TRASH BURNING

I gaze at the fire as it hungrily consumes the waste papers I have gathered. Eagerly, it glows and transforms into a huge flame as it slowly yet intrepidly spreads out to consume more. Gradually, my trash is being burned. But unexpectedly, the breeze turns up seemingly conspiring against the activity. Madly, the wind is blowing in different directions. The scraps are being hurled away particularly, the remaining pile of lightweight rubbish.

The wind stops. The fire is extinguished. The wind has put it out. Or so I have thought, until I see smoke beginning to rise, chaining upwards. My conclusion is wrong. The fire has outlasted the gust of wind and lives.

My junks are spread all over the area. Once more, I hurriedly gather the scattered litter. The wind blows again. This time though, in a much controlled manner perhaps, realizing that a ritual of burning is being performed. It appears that the fire & I have found a new ally in the wind.

The wind whistles a blow. The fire loudly crackles. Indeed, it is a beautiful duet declaring sanitation as my scraps disappear. A sputtering sound can now openly be heard as the fire rages into a humongous blaze. It has gained spirit in the presence of the wind, gladly devouring what I consider trash.

Metamorphosis

As I was combing my hair in front of the mirror, I could not help but smile at the image looking back at me. It was not so long ago that I was so ill at ease in the presence of children. I remembered being always awkward and unnatural in their midst. Nieces, nephews and godchildren may have probably thought of me as a bore—always entirely disinterested in many of their antics.

During get-togethers or family occasions, I can recollect being merely a bystander, wanly looking at newborn babies and toddlers. While everyone else had brilliant comments about the little tykes swarming around, I could utter nothing appropriate! Words leave me in such situations …

In so many instances I had been a passive spectator, silently denigrating unattractive & grubby children all simply because that was how I looked at them. Indeed, I was just so heartless then that I could actually resist toddlers with adorably chocolate-muddled cheeks!

I used to be the “crossed aunt” (to my utter shame!) constantly guarding delicate china pieces at home from nieces, nephews and children of other relatives! I used to be overly conscious of what trouble these kids could cause if unsupervised. To say it otherwise, I used to be always “on the lookout” for infuriatingly naughty little boys & girls!

I was dreadfully wicked!

When motherhood caught up with me though, a completely different woman emerged. Suddenly, I knew how to naturally converse with insufferable little boys! I became playful and loving towards naughty little girls. Earsplitting toddler shouts and giggles, I can now, miraculously, endure! Indeed, as a new mom, I now have the perpetual patience of a saint!

To the surprise of others, I turned into a walking source of baby information. My lips can now earnestly and naturally utter expressions of concern towards ailing babies. Suddenly, I became completely “baby-crazy”— spotting them at once during malls trips! I have become a doting aunt. I morphed into a concerned Ninang with 100% maternal instinct in tow. I became fond of Dora the Explorer, Blues Clues, Hi 5, and The Backyardigans!

Indeed, I have become a child in so many ways. As my daughter grows up, I have also grown more appreciative of the simple things that adults take for granted so I guess, in motherhood, I have become a child again!